Thursday, 20 October 2011


Most of us are afraid of terrorism, but like most happenings of the day, we often joke about it. There is this gag I find totally off the hook: an Afgan mother, after going through the photo album of her five dead sons sniffs and says to her friend, ‘…it’s sad, how fast they all blast away.’ Before I say anything else, let me make it crystal clear that I am not a coward (err, please stand by for more information). That doesn’t mean I do not value my life (there, I said it). So please no threats, no bombs, or grenades (I am the bush doctor, not Bruno Mars for goodness’ sake) and do not send me any anthrax powder via my email; sorry, post mail, after reading this blog.

Where were we: ah yes, terrorism. I think any fellow that acts towards you and for all the wrong reasons puts your hypophysio-pituitary-adrenal axis on overdrive: makes you fear, fume, flee, fight or fart (if you really can’t help it) qualifies to be called a terrorist; whether you die or not. That definition makes anybody ranging from the Alshafam (Alshabab, Alshamum and Alshakids) to the estates’ mongrel qualify as terrorists. Infact, I have particular individuals who I think should be hunted down by the anti terrorist unit and brought to justice by Ocampo and the likes:

*The shower skiver
This is the person you are unfortunate enough to be next to anytime of the day. He (or she sometimes) is congenitally hydrophobic. I lack adjectives to describe the stench emanating from this fellow. And within this group of shower skivers, there is a special subgroup who are responsible for unleashing fumes only second to nerve gas on the lethal scale. I'm talking about the culprits who smell like they drink methanol or formalin as substitute for alcohol and smoke beetle dung rolled in old newspapers. They are the people house flies avoid: they stink so bad, when they walk close to a garbage fire the smoke billows to the opposite side. These people just ruin your whole day: if you are fortunate enough to walk out of their vicinity alive and conscious that is.

*The ill mannered ‘coughers’ and ‘sneezers’
If you have ever walked down a busy street then an oncoming pedestrian coughs or sneezes right in your face, you know what I am talking about. Anyone who is insane enough cough or sneeze without covering their orifices scares the health out of those in his vicinity. I think this qualifies to be an act of terrorism considering the health risks innocent by standers are exposed to. This is the 21st century; the ages where one could dispense spittle as a blessing and get away with it are long gone.

I have nothing against decent smokers; the ones who realize that not everyone is like them and when they do smoke, they cause minimum discomfort to non smokers. The problem comes in when a section of smokers feel like global warming is not progressing fast enough and they urgently need to do something to ‘fix’ that. Yes, the kind that insists on walking with a cloud around them; choking everyone in their vicinity. With the widely known paradox that secondary smoking is riskier health-wise than primary smoking, I think this here qualifies as an act of terrorism.

*The Kenyan police
Our boys, no: brutes in blue are just something else. From the stray bullets that kill innocent by standers to the fake glocks planted as ‘evidence’ on the bullet ridden corpses of alleged offenders: the list of terror goes on and on. I have witnessed an arrest where some guy was hoisted so far up by his pants; I think his testicles momentarily receded into his thoracic cavity. Here is another typical scenario.

{feet shuffling as some young revelers are rounded by police at night}
Police {half shouting}: Kichana, pika makoti! (kneel down young man!)
Victim {submitting now scared}:…ssawa, sawa afande (alright, officer)
Police {dealing some blows}: Nachua watu tatu natembea usiku, Umbwa, Mwisi na Askari. Wewe nani kati ya hao? (Only dogs, police and thieves walk at night. Who are you amongst them?) *like walking at night is a crime*
Victim {injured, and obviously in a trilemma}:………..eerm…….*thinking: what the hell?*…….{Uneasy silence}
Police {harder blows, draws blood}: Unachifanya pupu sahii? Kichwa kama mzigo ya mwizi! Gucha kibande ii, wewe taongea mbele! Twende! (Now you can’t talk? *insults* Maybe when we lock you up, your tongue will loosen up. Let’s go!)

Now that Kenyan troops have invaded Somalia, the Alshabab are an imminent terrorist threat for sure. But before they strike, let’s all try and steer clear of these local terrorists now won’t we?

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