Friday, 16 December 2011


Well, it's Christmas again, that short time of the year when the usual activities are replaced by traveling, eating (even while traveling), drinking and making merry. I don’t want to go on about what happens during Christmas lest you start accusing me of having a firm grasp of the obvious. Lets talk about something eccentric instead. Something like; what if Santa Claus was a Kikuyu?

Ditch the white guy, the red clothing, black boots and the hat. In their place, put a hefty middle aged Kikuyu man in a blue Savco jean, a yellow 'Ng'ombe' T shirt, Safari Boots and a beige 'Blue Triangle Cement' flat face as a hat. You could switch the latter with a cowboy hat or a turban if you like. That’s your average Kikuyu Santa.

Santa Claus Village would be Gatunguru village in Murang'a County. I hear that is where all enterprising Kikuyus hail from.

The guy would roll in a Toyota Probox or a hand cart depending on how much a liter of petrol is going for on Christmas Eve. These are trying economic times remember? Either way, the vehicle would be pulled by donkeys.

The elves would be four to six standard three boys from Mushatha Primary School (probably Santa's sons or nephews).

Carols such as 'Njingo Mbews' and 'We Wich You A Melly Krithimath' would be remixed by John De Mathew and the likes to more conversant 'Mugithi' tunes.

Gifts would be wrapped in banana leaves. They would definitely be for sale.

The Probox would work as a Taxi on Christmas day. Hakuna kuregarega!

Christmas bells would be replaced by the 'Coro' horn.

The 'Merry Christmas' greeting is a little hard for the average Kiuk Santa to repeat all day. After all, 'Engrish' came into this land via a 'Chip' (read ship). How about something simpler like 'Mujiejoyy! Ho Ho Ho!' Its a good thing Kikuyus do not shrub 'H' sounds.

Finally, Luo's, Kalenjins and Luhya's would be 'Claus'trophobic

That said, I am now gearing up to celebrate Kwanza this time round. To all loved ones, friends, followers and readers of this blog, have Happy Holidays. Try not to eat yourself to constipation, drink yourself to a comma, or drive yourself into a ditch. In case you do, you know where to find me. J.K. Mujiejoyy!!

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